... But I Don't Know What to Say!?!

One of the toughest things about being a believer committed to serving the needs of others is knowing what to do or say when a friend is going through a difficult time. Outside of our families, most of our relationships are forged around the best foot. We get to know people on their terms, as they want us to see them, and that is with their best foot forward. So when the storms of life and death are raging, we aren't sure how to relate.

We want to help, but we don't know what to say. We lack confidence in our ability to be a friend and, in the end, we actually fear making things worse for the one who is hurting -- like Job's friends did.

After losing all ten of his children and his good health, Job needed to get some things off of his chest. Faced with the fact that they could do nothing to relieve Job, his friends got angry at him. Since they couldn't explain what was happening to him, they told him it was his fault. They informed him that if he had been righteous this never would have happened. In their anger, they said Job actually was getting what he deserved.

What in the world were they thinking? Why did they feel like they had to explain what was happening? Why couldn't they just listen in silence?

Two things are going on here.

First, they got angry at themselves and took it out on Job. They were angry that they couldn't relieve Job's pain. Friends feel the need to fix things. When questions need to be answered, we want to provide the answers. When there is pain, we want to soothe it. They went there hoping to help but ultimately couldn't. They were frustrated and angry and their response to their own failure multiplied Job's pain.

The second thing that was going on here was that Job's friends were trying to fill a role that was not theirs to fill. In their desire to make things better, they took on God's job, attempting to answer questions that they mistakenly thought needed to be answered. But they misread the need. Job's cries and questions may have been expressed to them, but they were directed to God. So they applied the Band-Aid of bumper sticker theology, thinking that saying the right thing would make it all better. But it didn't because it can't. Knowing what caused a storm doesn't diminsh its damage.

In Job 16, he finally tells his friends that he has had enough of thier heartless babble. They had neither provided comfort nor answered his questions. They missed it altogether!

He didn't need them to play God and provide answers. They didn't have to be theologians and psychologists. He just needed them to be there and provide support. He needed them to listen without responding, to help him secure the daily bread that would sustain him in his time of grief.

And that is exactly what our friends need. When we have friends going through the storms of life we must commit to be there. Then we go, not trying to take the pain away committed to doing our part to relieve the pressure that accompanies the pain. And when we don't know what to say, we choose not to say anything at all. Our presence in a storm answers the one question that must be answered: Does anyone care?