Where Have I Been?

If you've been looking for my latest musings and have been disappointed, I apologize. I took a bit of a sabbatical. I expected to come back to The Connecting Point refreshed and ready to say something profound. I kept waiting for that that unmistakable "ah ha" moment that I get when I know I have something to say. Other than nothing, I don't know what happened. I realized this morning that if I had to keep waiting for that moment to write something, I might forget my password and never be able to return.

If you have asked where I have been, I have asked where God has been. Usually in these seasons of silence I get back into rhythm pretty quickly. I have a mental list of catalysts that I work through that generally spark what I perceive to be fresh insight about God, myself or others. I worked through the list thoroughly! I took a vacation. I read scripture, books by my favorite authors and the poetry of Billy Collins. I talked to people that inspire me. I asked God for help and confessed the sins that I'm aware of and any that may have occurred off the radar screen of my consciousness. And, in an act of sheer desperation, I even turned off sports talk radio in favor of The Best of Passion {So Far} worship CDs. I've done all of my tricks and the end result is I'm still waiting.

I think maybe it's because I needed to be reminded that streams of abundance are a by-product of God's grace. We can't predict how, when or why God is going to speak and we certainly can't trick him into doing so. If we could, it wouldn't be an act of grace but an act of reciprocity. While I know in my mind God doesn't do reciprocity, I struggle to accept it because the testimonies that I've heard from people who seem to have experienced God in their walk all suggest they did something to earn it.

When I was in seminary virtually all of the chapel times reinforced this notion. Pastors from big churches in the denomination would come and tell us all about how they had led their church into incredible growth because they did stuff right. They preached the Word with the right amount of passion, or they prayed a lot, or accepted the least of these, or knew how to hire and fire, or used the right day timer, or played the right kind of music, or wore the right kind of socks, or combed their hair properly, or convinced everybody to be Republicans ... it was amazing! I took notes and determined that one day I would incorporate all the right stuff into my ministry and God would have to grow my church and eventually I would end up on that stage in chapel talking about how I had earned God's grace.

I remember clearly when God revealed the absurdity of this idea of reciprocal grace. It was early in my ministry at Dayspring and I had a perfect week of ministry. I led three people to Christ. There was a death in a family that was visiting our church and I went and mowed their lawn and then traveled out of town to be at the funeral. I had an incredible week of study and prayer. When Sunday morning came I woke up and had a time of worship that culminated in tears of wonder and gratitude. Upon reviewing the talk that morning, I realized that it was really good and I distinctly remember thinking that revival was sure to break out that morning as the spirit of God fell during the sermon. After all, God had no choice but to show up because I had earned it!

As you might imagine, things didn't go quite as I expected. I got up to do the talk and I literally felt abandoned. It felt as though God was visiting another church that morning and my spirit and my sermon were sinking in quicksand. The void of God's presence was so palpable that one of my friends asked me what happened and, as soon as I was able to pray about it, I asked the same question.

God showed me that if He had shown up after the perfect ministry week, the pressure on me to perform would have never been relieved. If I performed and He showed up I could take the credit. But if I had a bad week and He didn't, then I would have to accept the blame. In essence if the error of the grace of reciprocity had been reinforced it would teach me the lesson that His work and power are dependent upon my strength when in actuality it is dependent upon my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The lesson then and now is the same. Whether we're talking about experiencing God's presence and power, or hearing a message from God, it's all grace. There are no tricks and there is certainly no reciprocity. God dispenses His grace in His perfect timing and according to His good pleasure, not according to our performance.

So I'll wait because I have no choice. However, I wait in freedom because I know experiencing Him is not up to me. I also wait expectantly because I know that God will never leave me or forsake me -- even when he lets me preach by myself.