Choosing Confidence in Criticism

Criticism is one of those rare commodities that even the stingiest of people are generous with. While no one likes to receive criticism, it seems the woods are full of people who are more than willing to dish it out. We could ponder the psychological reasons for our propensity to criticize, but that is for another time and hopefully a smaller audience. Today I want to explore how those who are connected to Jesus should receive and respond to criticism.

From my perspective there are really five general responses to criticism.

1. Attack the messenger - Feeling attacked, we strike back at the person making the observation, slinging mud at every facet of their lives in an attempt to maintain superiority.
2. Discredit the messenger - This is an indirect attack that undermines the credibility of the criticizer. When engaged in discrediting, we tell anyone who will listen about the personal problems of the one who has leveled the criticism.
3. Withdraw and sulk - Over-responding to the shame of the criticism, we shut down any interaction with the person who attacked us believing that ostracizing our enemy is a just punishment for their crime.
4. Blowup and then process - Initially we get really angry and say things that we regret. Then as time goes by we reflect honestly on the issue.
5. Check our emotions and search for validity - No angry reactions. If appropriate we offer an apology for a perceived offense and express gratitude for their concern. Then, having protected the dignity of our critic, we look for the nuggets of truth that lie within almost every criticism.

Obviously for followers of Jesus the first three responses are totally unacceptable, the fourth is beginning to move in the right direction, but only the last option truly reflects our commitment to Christ. Not surprisingly, the last option is by far the most difficult response to muster -- but it is not impossible.

2 Samuel records the sad story of Absalom's insurrection, stealing the hearts of the people of Israel and then taking the throne from his father, David. In 2 Samuel 16:5-14, there is a play-by-play account of David's exodus from the Promised Land that features a unique critique.

There is a man from the tribe of Benjamin, the family of Saul, named Shimei. You remember that Saul was the king who preceded David, so presumably this man had a bit of an ax to grind. Having heard that David was on the run and coming his way, Shimei took it upon himself to let David know that he was getting exactly what he deserved. The scripture says he cursed David and, if that wasn't enough, he ran alongside the party pelting David, his officials, and his bodyguards with stones and saying, "Get out, get out, you man of blood, you scoundrel! The Lord has repaid you for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul, in whose place you have reigned. The Lord has handed the kingdom over to your son Absalom. You have come to ruin because you are a man of blood!"

Needless to say, Shimei wasn't the sharpest Benjamite in the box. By pounding the king with pebbles he was taking his life in his own hands. As a matter of fact Abishai, one of David's fiercest warriors, requested permission to go lop Shimei's head off. But David would have none of it. Somehow he found the strength to respond to Shimei with his emotions in check and with an open mind to the validity of his statements. Reading the account of David's response reveals how David was able to choose the noble way in the face of some extremely debilitating and enraging criticism.

First, David knew that he had bigger fish to fry than Shimei. In verse 11 he reminds Abishai, "My son, who is my own flesh, is trying to take my life. How much more, then, this Benjamite!" In other words, why would you expend any unnecessary energy on this person who cannot affect your future, when my own flesh and blood is out to kill me. Let's keep things in perspective here. We are getting what we expect from him, let it go!

Second, David chose to see criticism as a treasure map. David knew that the criticism was going to lead to treasure. The first possibility was that the Lord sent Shimei and there was a truth he had to face up to. In verse 11 he tells Abishai to leave him alone because it is quite possible the Lord instructed him to curse David. In verse 12 he mentions a more plausible possibility that the Lord will see his plight and "repay me with good for the cursing I am receiving today." Either way, David believed there was treasure coming if he endured the criticism.

Third David kept moving toward the goal. Verse 13 says, "So David and his men continued along the road while Shimei was going along the the hillside opposite him, cursing as he went and throwing stones at him and showering him with dirt." What a scene: A grown man pitching an extended fit toward the king. But as entertaining as that would have been to witness, the remarkable part is that David kept on going. The tendency when hurt is to quit. We accept defeat and stop progress by hyper focusing on our wounds. But not David. He had somewhere to go and he stayed the course.

Fourth when he arrived, he acknowledged the pain and sought relief. Verse 14 says, "The king and all the people arrived at their destination exhausted. And there he refreshed himself." David didn't try to convince himself that Shimei was just a bad dream, he didn't try to pretend that it didn't affect him. He was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally and Shimei was a big part of that. So when he got where he was going, he gave himself some time to process. He spent time with God, acknowledging the devastation brought about by Absalom as well as Shimei and no doubt taking some time to find the treasure buried at the end of the hunt.